As a child, Bimpe’s dream had always been to marry her Prince Charming; have two or three children and live happily ever after. In a way, her dream came partially true.
She found Dare, her prince charming at 27, and after a couple of years of dating, married him in a fairytale wedding complete with a Cinderella wedding dress for her, black tuxedo for him, church for both of them and for everyone, a reception hall that mimicked a castle.
Then began the wait for the children she dreamt about.
The following month after the wedding, Bimpe waited for the supposed first day of her period to arrive, but nothing arrived. She waited another day, after all, she was often a couple of days late, so there was nothing to get excited about yet, or was there? Five days later, she was still waiting. No period.
After two more days of no period, Bimpe got really anxious.
“My period has never been this late. Am I pregnant?” She wondered. She almost peed in her pants at the thought of such possibility. She married a virgin, and all thoughts of sex, pregnancy and babies were all still a bit new. Could I possibly become pregnant on the very first try? She kept wondering. But there were no answers.
When she broke the news to Dare, Bimpe didn’t say “I think I’m pregnant”. What she said was “I think I might be with child”. In her estimation, the word “child” had a lot more meaning than “pregnant” at this point in time. Dare was ecstatic. Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic! He yelled, but he wanted them to be sure. In fact they needed to be sure. A pregnancy test was inevitable. The next day, he drove Bimpe to the hospital.
She took the test and it was negative. She took it again the next morning and the morning after. Negative, both times. Maybe it was too soon, but her period was more than a week late and that was abnormal. Bimpe took the pregnancy test five times and received five negative results, but no period arrived. She didn’t lose hope, and Dare also remained hopeful. Despite the multiple negative results, excitement built between them.
Even with no periods and no pregnancy to show, Bimpe tried to think rationally. If she was not having a period, then she just had to be pregnant she reasoned. The doctors didn’t help much. They didn’t confirm she was pregnant, but didn’t completely rule out the possibility either. Bimpe chose to believe she was pregnant.
But that was the only time Bimpe could remember truly experiencing the happiness of thinking she was pregnant. Thinking there could be a baby growing inside her was like no other feeling she had ever had in her entire life. She imagined telling people she and Dare were expecting and how excited and nervous it was making her. Bimpe started to look at the world differently, as only an expectant mother could.
Then, exactly 12 days after the expected date, her period arrived. She was devastated. The realisation of not being pregnant after all was really hurting.
The disappointment was much. She didn’t cry, but kept to herself and refused to talk about it, not even with Dare. With time, thankfully, the pain gradually receded. The shock wore off and she looked forward to life as a normal, married woman. But no such luck. That experience was the start of a cycle of late periods, negative pregnancy tests and discouragement.
It was not too long thereafter before Bimpe realised that trying to conceive could be an emotional mixed bag of excitement, fear, anxiety and disappointment. Over the next four years, she and Dare tried everything they knew was naturally possible to make a baby, but, no luck. There was no pregnancy and certainly no baby.
They went from pillar to post, from one fertility centre to the other, saw doctor after doctor, hoping for the miracle of conception all to no avail. For some time, during the search for the elusive pregnancy, Bimpe had noticed pain persistently in her lower abdomen particularly around the time of her period. It did not take too long before confirmation that her problem was a severe case of endometriosis and it was the culprit of her endless months of infertility.
Hers was now a world of pain. Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease occurring when tissue lining the uterus is found on the outside of the uterus. It grows on ovaries, fallopian tubes, surface of the uterus, etc. The misplaced tissue develops into growths or lesions and causes severe pain and infertility.
After the first laparoscopic surgery, Bimpe started infertility medication. What that meant was more pain. She despised needles, and so chose the pill form. Her body only responded to medications the first month and then went into lockdown against the oral medication.
With no other option, she started the injectable medications. Alas, they had the same effect. Month after month, medication after medication, there were no tangible results. The only option left was another laparoscopic surgery.
As the weeks turned into months and the months became years, her endometriosis got worse and her pain magnified. Her life became a blur of pain and she was barely able to live through each day. Eventually, it got to a point conservative surgery was no longer ineffective, and radical surgery was suggested by the experts.
One doctor told her point blank that radical hysterectomy was the way to go. He said removal of her uterus and cervix as well as both ovaries was the potentially best treatment.
Hysterectomy is typically considered a last resort, especially for women still in their reproductive years. It is a permanent for of sterilization. No woman can get pregnant after a hysterectomy.
Hysterectomy is typically considered a last resort, especially for women still in their reproductive years. It is a permanent for of sterilization. No woman can get pregnant after a hysterectomy.
Bimpe was incredulous. Well, she understood having to lose her uterus, but why her tubes and ovaries as well? Doctors explained further. Hysterectomy alone is not effective. It had to be radical. The oestrogen produced by her ovaries could still stimulate any remaining endometriosis and cause pain to persist.
A second opinion was no different. All of her options and the possible outcomes were down to one.
More and more downcast and depressed, Bimpe was heartbroken and felt really bad because just like her, Dare, her husband, wanted so desperately to be a parent. In the realisation that she was at fault and wasn’t enabling him live his dream, Bimpe sat him down one day and told him to leave her.
“Dare, I cannot bear children, please leave me, I beg you. Find someone that can bear you children. But Dare would not yield. He took her in his arms and looked into her eyes. I don’t care if we can’t have children. I love you and I want a life with you.”
That made her love him even more, but she had never felt so hopeless and helpless. Dare had been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving. He was the perfect husband.
After months of struggling, pain and heartache, Bimpe learned her endometriosis had completely taken over her reproductive organs. Doctors couldn’t save her uterus, Fallopian tubes and ovaries. They needed to perform that radical hysterectomy. It was the final goodbye to her dream of someday being a mother of her own naturally conceived children.
On the day of the surgery, Bimpe walked into the hospital with her head high. She put on a brave face even though, deep down, she was very much afraid and sad.
The tears welled up, but she fought them back and stubbornly refused to cry. The last time she shed a few tears was when she had to take what was to be her last ever pregnancy test.
Her armour was thick, but deep down, under the fake smiles and reassurances, she was just a little girl, huddled in the corner crying over her broken dream of someday holding her child in her arms.
It took Bimpe weeks, months and years to recover. It’s been three years since she had the hysterectomy and she still has bad days. One point to note is that she managed to learn to overcome her sorrow by channelling her mothering tendencies to nieces and nephews and other children around.
By learning to nurture other dreams she has been unable to realise or afford if she and Dare had children, she attempts to make the best of every day despite the loss she will forever feel in the recesses of her heart.
To the women struggling with infertility, Bimpe has an important message.
“My thoughts are with you. I want you to know that there will be days you think the world is fighting against you and that everyone else except you can get pregnant.
“There will be days you think the pain and loss will never lift and it will choke and break you. Please don’t succumb. Have bad days. Cry in the corner and grieve. It is okay. We are only human and can only bear so much. But don’t let your sorrow live and fester in your heart and soul.
“Don’t let it weigh you down because you deserve happiness, in whatever form it may be. Believe in you, believe in miracles and always believe something better is out there waiting.
“My infertility beat me down, but by no means did it break me. I am and will always remain, a mother in my heart.” Her exact words.
Bimpe hopes every woman that wants to be a mother will find a happy ending. She does not ever expect that any other woman’s story should end like hers.
Bimpe hopes every woman that wants to be a mother will find a happy ending. She does not ever expect that any other woman’s story should end like hers.
Do not grieve for Bimpe because she is okay. Each day, she wakes up excited about life looking for blessings around every corner. She is alive and well and patiently waiting for a miracle in any form.
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